I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
