dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
You took a bar mat shot.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
