sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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