I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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