Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize