I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
