Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize