how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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