Do you still have your period?
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize