this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
