non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
