Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
