Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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