Ketchup is God's man juice
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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