I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
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