ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize