i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
