lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
