I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize