new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
You did what with his pubic hair?
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