I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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