and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Randomize
