I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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