I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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