i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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