You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
