take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
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