we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Randomize
