Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
