Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize