If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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