You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Randomize
