I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Edward fifth and chaser hands
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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