my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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