I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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