I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
