i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
