So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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