My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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