I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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