I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
