god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize