i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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