I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
