This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
