you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
