her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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