My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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