So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
