vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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