I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
