That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
