I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
