have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
