I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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